"Fear Factor" returned to television last week for what seems like
the tenth time. Apparently networks keep thinking they can come up with
something better, but as they converse around big tables at big
meetings, the conversations revert back to words of wisdom like, "You
know, the whole bug-eating thing isn't old yet. And neither is jumping
off of buildings. Let's bring that magic back," only to say weeks later,
"Okay, people are done with the bugs and the buildings, let's see if
Blossom or ALF are ready to make comebacks."
The
return of the show came in the form of a two-part, two-week episode
that featured fire, a gas chamber, leeches, tattoos, head shaving and,
of course, jumping out of high places. "Fear Factor" prides itself on
forcing people to overcome their fears for money, and we all know how
much we fear gas chambers. This got me thinking about what people
actually fear and how perhaps there should be a show about those fears,
entitled "The Real Fear Factor."
According to the Anxiety
Disorders Association of America, which is apparently a real
association, people continue to fear bugs and mice, as well as heights,
as "Fear Factor" acknowledges However, perhaps what people fear even
more is the combination of the two: mice in high places. Thus, my new
television show would force people to climb twenty stores, rescue forty
mice on the roof of that building and then jump off of the building with
the mice, thus getting over two fears at once and, more importantly,
becoming a hero in the mouse community...
Another one of the most
common fears is water. I know how you feel: it's difficult to even read
about water right now without getting the chills, just thinking of that
water attacking behind you. Thus, my television show would hit people
hard from the very beginning, forcing them to drink -- and take a deep
breath before you continue to read -- an entire glass of water...
After
the water-drinking portion, I would move on to something that addresses
people's fear of public transportation, giving them a bus ticket and
forcing them to take a one-hour bus ride next to the dullest yet most
talkative person possible. To make it more challenging, there would be
water bottles all over the place and rumors of a mouse...
Since
storms are another fear, we would move on to the lightning round. Due to
the catchiness and appropriateness of the name of this round, nothing
will even need to happen. People will just sit down for a while, being
told that a storm is going to hit, and then hours later it will rain
cats and dogs... literally. Cats and dogs will be dropped from a certain
height -- hey, animals have fears, too -- into a pool of water and
people will be forced to watch them somehow land on their feet...
I
haven't even mentioned the part about clowns yet. Oh, and tunnels:
those are scary, too. But I don't want to give too much away until the
networks return my phone calls. Literally, I left my phone calls
somewhere and I want to get them back...