Fear Is Only in Your Head (and in the Bugs That You Eat)

"Fear Factor" returned to television last week for what seems like the tenth time. Apparently networks keep thinking they can come up with something better, but as they converse around big tables at big meetings, the conversations revert back to words of wisdom like, "You know, the whole bug-eating thing isn't old yet. And neither is jumping off of buildings. Let's bring that magic back," only to say weeks later, "Okay, people are done with the bugs and the buildings, let's see if Blossom or ALF are ready to make comebacks."

The return of the show came in the form of a two-part, two-week episode that featured fire, a gas chamber, leeches, tattoos, head shaving and, of course, jumping out of high places. "Fear Factor" prides itself on forcing people to overcome their fears for money, and we all know how much we fear gas chambers. This got me thinking about what people actually fear and how perhaps there should be a show about those fears, entitled "The Real Fear Factor."

According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of America, which is apparently a real association, people continue to fear bugs and mice, as well as heights, as "Fear Factor" acknowledges However, perhaps what people fear even more is the combination of the two: mice in high places. Thus, my new television show would force people to climb twenty stores, rescue forty mice on the roof of that building and then jump off of the building with the mice, thus getting over two fears at once and, more importantly, becoming a hero in the mouse community...

Another one of the most common fears is water. I know how you feel: it's difficult to even read about water right now without getting the chills, just thinking of that water attacking behind you. Thus, my television show would hit people hard from the very beginning, forcing them to drink -- and take a deep breath before you continue to read -- an entire glass of water...

After the water-drinking portion, I would move on to something that addresses people's fear of public transportation, giving them a bus ticket and forcing them to take a one-hour bus ride next to the dullest yet most talkative person possible. To make it more challenging, there would be water bottles all over the place and rumors of a mouse...

Since storms are another fear, we would move on to the lightning round. Due to the catchiness and appropriateness of the name of this round, nothing will even need to happen. People will just sit down for a while, being told that a storm is going to hit, and then hours later it will rain cats and dogs... literally. Cats and dogs will be dropped from a certain height -- hey, animals have fears, too -- into a pool of water and people will be forced to watch them somehow land on their feet...

I haven't even mentioned the part about clowns yet. Oh, and tunnels: those are scary, too. But I don't want to give too much away until the networks return my phone calls. Literally, I left my phone calls somewhere and I want to get them back...

Be A Filthy Stinking Rich Novelist

It's called revenge. Succeed beyond your wildest dreams of avarice. Go back to your hometown. Laugh at all the losers from your childhood. Throw balled-up money at them, because you're so filthy stinking bloody rich that you laugh -- laugh!! -- at what they call riches. Make it rain dollar bills just to mock their pathetic little feeding frenzy. Then fly away in your Learjet, drinking champagne, and leave them to their pathetic little dead-end lives.
Why? Because you're a novelist, dammit! We're rich, I tell you. Rich!
Some of us write simply because we can't not write. Ideas grab us, move us, and demand to be written. We strive to make it as real as we possibly can, to improve at our craft every day, hopefully to make it into the realm of literature as well as entertainment. We want to craft an entire world where the places and people are so real that the reader doesn't feel like he's reading a book as much as he is living in another place.
In the lofty world of literature that we strive for, the reader will still think about the book long after reading that last page. It's our gift to the reader, something to take with him. Given sufficient skill, this can happen centuries after we're dead.
Then we learn that doesn't sell. Oh, there are exceptions. Some novelists make a living by consistently writing quality literature. But there are quite a few best sellers who have no such goals. They write crap, for the money, and they make it. Even the writer who has written great literature has trouble marketing it that way.
We have to look at our "target audience." Who will buy this book? Let me see, our heroine survived spousal abuse, so there's an audience. There's a suicide, so we can get the bereavement crowd. Where's the setting? We can get a local audience. The hero's a cop. Maybe the teen boys will go for that. Nah, too light on action. But there's a romance. Maybe we'll market to the romance readers. Give the hero bedroom eyes and pass him off as a romantic hero. Yeah, that might work.
But if you want to write to get rich, even that's not enough. Nah, the time to think about your reader is before you write the book, not after.
Throw in lots of gratuitous sex, preferably extramarital. One (and only one) character who flirts and is sorely tempted and walks away from "love" to remain true to his wife.
Use taboo words for shock value. Ram, hump, scream, oral sex, voluptuous, female orgasm (the great revelation). Make sure a lot of your leads enjoy sex. Horny women are a good way to pull in the readers you want. (Pull! Heh.) We all know men are horny, but most of your readers haven't discovered that some women enjoy sex too. Tell them this. Give the female readers a balm for their consciences and the male readers someone to dream about.
Lie. Why not? It's only a novel.
Your heroine should be tough, sweet, sensitive, and very horny, and she has to think she's not attractive even though every guy in the book except her husband falls off his chair with a tent in his pants.
Don't let the length of a novel faze you. Just throw some people on the stage, move them around a bit, and get them into bed. Then change the rules so they switch around a bit and get them back into bed. It doesn't always have to be a bed. Office desks, park benches, and car seats work too. Hammocks, not so much. When the book's long enough, stop. Don't worry about the "climax," because people are climaxing all over the place.
Exotic locales. Foreign countries with beaches. And bitches. Lots of rich people. Rich bitches. Remember that you're writing for the lowest common denominator, because they spend most of the money that you're trying to reel in. Make it sleazy. No one ever went broke underestimating the public.
How to publish? To do it right, write the sales pitch before you write the book. Make sure the book follows the pitch and the formula. If your cover letter alone has eight typos, no problem. Nobody cares. The publisher will wanna rush this baby to print and get you, or an attractive stand-in, doing as many TV appearances as possible before the book reviewers have time to draw breath.
Heck, your target market doesn't read book reviews anyway. Also keep in mind that once that reader buys your book, you've won. They won't get a refund just because you're illiterate. So don't worry about hiring an editor. Hire a publicist!
Think Hollywood. You want your book to become a movie. It doesn't have to be a good movie, because most of them aren't. It just has to sell, baby, sell! Write parts for all the hottest stars. True, today's hottest stars will have faded by the time they start filming your movie, but no matter. Someone just like them will replace them.
I've been doing it wrong for all these years. I started writing over 40 years ago, and the nine books I have on the shelves are enough to make it a beloved hobby that barely pays for itself. Meanwhile, I work at a job for my money. But if you follow my advice, you won't make the same mistakes I did. You'll get rich!

I lived in Asia for 12 years before returning to North Carolina in October 2012 with my Australian wife and our lovely Calico cat. I think I remember how to drive. I've written 12 published books, thrown twice as many in the trash, and edited over 300 more. Also, I work part-time as a pet sitter because I've gotten too lazy to do sales for my editing business.

Joshua Radin

Ever since a group of SLPeeps watched
" instead of studying for CASLPA I have been hooked on Joshua Radin's music.  And his voice.  His voice is like really smooth crack (if I knew what that was like).  He did almost the entire soundtrack for the film and it just fit so organically.  Now he has another record and he's touring.  Last night he played a packed show at a church in downtown Edmonton that I attended with Shae and ShanWow.  Mr. Radin was just as weirded out about being god's house as I was so it was ok.  The show started with Lucy Schwartz as the opener and A Fine Frenzy sandwiched between the two.  The name Lucy Schwartz didn't sound familiar but I was able to sing along with one of her songs; she lent some female vocals to the Adam soundtrack and is a good performer in her own right.



A Fine Frenzy was a band for which I had high hopes and had to deflate them somewhat to enjoy myself. The singer is a very talented vocalist but her aspartame-sweet and flakey demeanor at the start made her come across valium'd.  As the show progressed and her music picked up the tempo whatever she took beforehand appeared to wear off and it got much better.

Now for Joshua Radin himself.  The whole concert from start to finish was 3.5 hours!  We definitely got more than we paid for.  He played a good selection of his oldies-but-goodies and his brand new album.  And since I purchased his new CD (yes, CD, no LPs for the hipsters in the crowd) and Shae got a t-shirt we were able to meet him after the show. Unfortunately a brief handshake and CD sign was not enough to make him fall hopelessly in love with me.  Good thing Shae was there to help me tone down my big ear-to-ear grin before meeting him; don't wanna be a big fangirl.  His new stuff is good stuff and you should get i

So Much for Self-Sufficiency

It is that time of year again.  At least for Otto.  He hit the 16000 km milestone (happy birthday, Otto!) about 800 kms ago.  For his birthday Otto always demands new oil and sometimes to change his shoes/wheels.  When physics_dude offered* to show me how to change said oil and said wheels I decided that it was a life skill that I should acquire.  Fast forward to me standing in the automobile oil aisle of Canadian Tire with my Mazda3 manual in hand** perusing the surprising number of types.  Apparently my car is made especially to take the one kind of oil that is the most expensive and one that only two companies offer (and only one in the large-size format).  Add that to the cost of a new filter and the hassle of tracking my own oil changes by keeping receipts for insurance purposes and it wasn't long before I gave in and decided to let the Mazda dealership do it since the cost will be about equal.

Oh well, that still leaves the summer-winter tire swap, right?  Sort of.  After wrangling Otto into a tight spot physics_dude very patiently talked me through the steps of taking out my jack and various tire-related tools, jacking up one corner of the car and removing the nuts.  Thankfully there was some extra power available because whoever screwed those nuts on last time was NOT a femininst.  They were trying to make damn sure I wouldn't be changing my own tires.  And, yes, once tightened appropriately I could wrestle the nuts off myself.  After many instances of success and self-congratulations we went to pull the wheel off the...um...wheel area and it would.not.budge.  Even with kicking.  Whatever dastardly forces were sealing the wheel would not let go and we gave up, defeated.  You win this one, car dealerships.  $130 later my oil and wheels have both (all?) been changed.

Seriously, though.  What would have happened if I had been on the side of the road with a flat?  I would have had to pay $150 for someone to come and fix me up because it wasn't do-it-yourself friendly.  When I left the dealership with my keys this morning I also left behind a few instructions including "easy on the torque".  When spring hits I will be changing my own wheels and the dealership will be getting a piece of my mind if not.

Have you successfully managed to change your own wheels?  Did you hit similar roadblocks and what did you do about them?

*I'm remembering it as he offered.

**A manual that, it appears, was subsequently left behind somewhere in Canadian Tire.  How do I DO that?

An Artsy Day in Edmonton

Every once in a while something else about being an adult (especially an employed one who finds herself enslaved to the man) gets me down for a bit.  This week it has been the realization that I am not free and THREE WEEKS of vacation is just not enough.  I want to GO somewhere (Russia, perhaps), I want to visit my family and I want to take long weekends to explore other parts of Canada.  It will be another year before I acquire a coveted 4 weeks of vacay.  That sounds pretty good, actually.  BUT - it will be 8 years after that before I get 5.

So I can whine and sulk about it (which I plan to do) or (and) I can make being in Edmonton feel like being a  vacation.  No, that's cheesy.  But it is up to me to keep my life from feeling monotonous, to make sure that my evenings and weekends include me getting involved in the community.  That is something I'm already trying to do - climbing 3-4 nights a week, French classes on Thursdays, the occasional community event like classic movies at the Royal Alberta Museum.  But I can try harder.  

Today was a good day to start trying.  The downtown farmers market moved inside city hall for the winter and I went in search of some pricey gourmet chocolate bars made right here in Edmonton.  Apparently Kerstin used to have a store here but then she moved to Germany and her sister kindly feeds the cravings of Edmontonians on Saturdays.  I'm new to this but I'm already a fan.  This time I went for "pumpkin pie".  Yep, chocolate and pieces of flaky pieness and pumpkinness.  

Conveniently, right kitty-corner to city hall is the Alberta Art Gallery (aga).  A lovely building that is even lovelier inside.

This was not taken by me.  I stole it from the internet.  But it has snow so that is accurate.

Until today I had always wanted to go inside but just hadn't.  Sight unseen I bought a membership to encourage myself to go whenever I pass by (every few weeks) and get discounts on things like drop-in art classes and their acclaimed quarterly art parties running until 2am on Saturdays which always sell out.  It was a well-spent $65.  Their exhibits are well thought out and beautifully executed.  Plus I can hunker down for a tour every hour or so throughout the afternoon.  Without the tours I miss things in the art.  I am not always sure where to start thinking about and reflecting on it.  

One of their current exhibits, "Beautiful Monsters", looks at renaissance and baroque prints/engravings of monstrous creatures.  After the interactive tour (my fave!) I could tell the difference between these two styles and identify symbols in the paintings.  It made me want to dig deeper into Greek and Roman mythology and even Biblical mythology to better be able to interpret symbolism in art from this time.  A new hobby?

The second tour was upstairs and it looked at just one piece of contemporary art.  Good thing because it is the type of weird junk I would have walked up to, cocked my head to the side to look more contemplative, possibly paced around once and then walked out thinking "I don't get it".  However with an artsy mind to guide me we started talking big questions.  The piece was by Susan Sze - she made what appears to be a representation of earth and the cosmos from man made elements all balanced very precariously.  Perhaps a comment on our current state.  She represented some as already lost (blackened) but she left us a small way out.  Hopefully we can find it.  

Add all this to climbing tonight I'd call it a great day overall.  I need creativity and expression back in my life. I've put back exercise and started to put back friendships/social life.  Now I need volunteering and art.  What else might be missing?

What elements do you need in your life?  Are they represented?

Should Obama Stay? Part 2, Domestic Bliss

Domestic Bliss
What of the President's performance on the domestic front? Let's see, he's sued Arizona for having the temerity to try and protect itself from the violence caused by the flood of illegal aliens across the border. Oops! Did I say "illegal"? I meant, "Future Voters". But let's be fair. If the President secures our border, where will administration members get their house keepers and gardeners without having to pay the social security tax on their wages? You don't expect them to make their own beds, do you? At least, undocumented workers now know they have a job and a political party waiting for them.
Of course, the recent Supreme Court ruling struck down Arizona's immigration law accept for the most important part. Police may ask for a person's immigration status. What to do, what to do? This places an unacceptable burden on law enforcement in Arizona. They have enough to do, what with issuing parking tickets, hassling good American minorities, organizing the Policeman's Ball. Well, you get the idea. Not to worry, the administration has once again come to the rescue of the citizens of Arizona. Don't bother with all that checking on immigration status. The federal government won't deport them anyway. So, let's throw our uninvited guests a barbeque and tell Governor Brewer, "Thanks for the ole college try."
What a marvelous idea. The executive branch will simply choose to not enforce U.S. immigration law. Make no mistake; the President has the right to use discretion when it comes to allocating resources to deal with problems. Especially when he thinks ignoring his responsibilities will benefit him politically. Come to think of it, there are a few U.S. statutes I think I don't have the resources to deal with. I'll just tell the IRS I can't file my return anymore. I have other, more pressing needs for my limited resources. The Treasury and U.S. aid to Palestine will just have to do without me. Remember the Palestinians? The people who came to our assistance after the 9/11 attacks by dancing in the streets? Thanks for cheering us Palestinians, you guys are the best. Why Israel got to be so mean? Anyway, that should really help the SC economy. Thanks Mr. President; think globally, act locally.
The administration has sued various states for trying to prevent voter fraud; the nerve of those racist bastards for giving away free ID voter cards. Don't they know that minorities are incapable of dealing with anything so complicated? Thank goodness, Eric Holder understands that minorities are incapable of things as simple as crossing the street. That's why the birth rate out of wedlock has skyrocketed; they don't know how to apply for a marriage license. Oh, the humanity!
Apparently minorities must be pretty hard to insult. Honestly, don't some members of minority groups in this country find this just a little insulting? Apparently, they are only overly sensitive with Republicans.
When elected in 2008, the President had a "super" majority. This meant he had the political capital to save us from the economic disaster created by the government. Bush left him the TARP program to deal with the financial institutions so it is fair to say that the program was not Mr. Obama's idea. However, it is a good thing Bush didn't want a thank you. I would hate to think of him sitting around the phone waiting to hear from Mr. Obama. (Note Mr. Clooney, my manners in addressing the President)
The free enterprise system that created the greatest national wealth the world has ever seen was in peril. The banks (under federal mismanagement) found their subprime mortgages in default. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac needed billions just to prevent the home mortgage industry from going under. Taxpayers (that's us 99%, in case you haven't noticed over there on the left) are on the hook for all of it; Thanks Barney, thanks Chris.
It was all coming unraveled. Cutting taxes, slashing regulations, requiring banks use TARP to refinance loans, create new loans, remove the onerous burden of the federal government off the back of our economic camel would allow the crisis to bottom out and restart growth. All this was within the Presidents power.
No! That's just what we would expect him to do. Obama is far too clever for that.

An Edmonton Thing

There are a few things that seem to be very popular in Edmonton.  Some make more sense than others.  I'll give you a few examples.

It seems to be an Edmonton Thing to:

1.  Run up and down a ridiculous flight of stairs outside in the park for a painful amount of time just for fun.  This, I suppose, is a good thing.

2.  Make a donair/shawarma in the messiest way possible.  Instead of using a pita for exactly what it was created for (ie. to fill that painstakingly crafted pocket) they like to just make it taco style.  While still using a pita.  Wasting the pocket!  And getting my hands messy.  Unacceptable.

3.  Have two restaurants owned by the same people/group and called the same thing but be entirely different in terms of decor, crowd and price point.  For example - Beruit Cafe.  On Whyte Ave it looks like a regular donair place with McD's-style chairs and fast food.  North of the river on Jasper it has the same name (and sign!) but a full menu with $25 entrees and occasional belly dancing.  That was a surprise to walk in, sit down and have to walk right back out again because all you wanted was an $7 shawarma at their other location.  Smarten up, Edmonton!

4.  Pronounce coyote funny.  Yes, they have them in many different provinces but here we don't have "kai-oh-tees" we have "kai-oats".  Used completely unironically.  What I was to ask these people is 1) Do you think the name Wile. E. Coyote works with this?  2)  What do you call the movie "Coyote Ugly"?